Everything Under the Son

Why is it that saying "no" leaves me feeling like a failure? I am not talking about saying no to my children when they ask for the biggest trampoline known to man or all the sugar in the kitchen, but I am talking about saying no to more commitments and more responsibilities...even GOOD commitments and responsibilities. I was recently asked to take over a quite large project (a GOOD project), but I really felt like it was too much for me. It wasn't that I couldn't handle the specific project itself, because in all honesty, I would probably do it very well. After considering all of my other commitments and responsibilities though, I did not feel it wise to add this larger project to the list. I said "no". I said "no" and it left me feeling like a failure. I feel like I have let someone...or many people...down. Why is that?

I know my husband would say it is in part because of my people-pleasing nature. He has recently been reading the Birth Order Book, and has explanations for all of my personality traits. I think I would agree to that...partially. But then my analytical brain would kick in and say that I made the right choice because I chose family first...people-pleasing those I love before people-pleasing others...but I still feel guilty.

I hate it. I hate that I feel obligated to please everyone else, regardless of how overwhelmed or empty it leaves me feeling. I hate that if I do actually muster the strength to say "no", then I am left with the guilt and the feelings of failure. Sometimes it seems like a no-win situation.

I know I just need to "let it go", so if that is your response, please don't bother leaving a comment here. I am looking for encouragement and positive feedback, not more judgment and guilt. I am also FULLY AWARE that the world will keep spinning without my help, and that someone else will handle it...so if that's what you are going to say, then move along. This isn't about me feeling like I am the only capable person for the jobs. This is about me feeling like I can't stand up for myself...

...ah, yes. I knew if I typed long enough I would figure it out. Wouldn't you know it...there it is. This is about me feeling like I am not allowed to have my own thoughts, opinions, or priorities. It is about me feeling like I should say yes and then just figure it out no matter the cost to me.

Today, I am sure I will continue to wrestle with my "no" and continue to feel guilty because of the other person's disappointment. Today, though, I will also pray that the Lord will ease my burden, and draw me near. That He will free me of the guilt and comfort me with the knowledge that sometimes, in order to be a Jesus-pleaser, I will have to say no to GOOD things. I will have to say no to some good things so I will be able to focus and chase after the BEST thing. Jesus. After all, when others see me, which would I prefer:



I think I'll say no to A and pick B!!

According to The New Birth Order Book, first borns are perfectionists and people pleasers who frequently bite off more than they can chew. Knowing this should help you feel a little better knowing that just because you feel bad doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. It means you are trying to change an old habit. Change rarely feels good at first.

The bottom line is that it should get easier with time.

I feel the same way sometimes Anne :) I am constantly thankful for Jacob so I can bounce things off of him when I feel like my plate is getting crowded! Somedays just being a mommy of 2 is enough on my plate! I can not wait to see you in 2 weeks....it's our semi annual visit!

Thanks for sharing :)

Just wanted to say that I'm proud of you. I know how hard it is to say that little word "no". I had two thoughts while reading your post. First, by saying no to this project, you are allowing yourself to be open for different blessings that God has in store for you. Even if that blessing is just the time to snuggle on the couch with your kids. Also, by saying no you are opening up this opportunity for someone else who may need to serve in this way. Just keep your eyes open and the blessings will appear! Love you!

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I take it your taking on the task of saying no more often. Step back and look at it from another perspective of WAANTING to say yes to the things that give you more meaning to life. Say yes to more reading, singing listening to music, hugs, cooking, etc. The Little Things are the REAL things that should add meaning to your life.

Later, as you add more yes's the no's will come easier - believe me. Begin with smaller no's at first and then move to bigger NO's. You can't do it overnight. But it is doable. I had to start while still employed, now that I'm retired and much older, the little things I did and do now add more pleasure and meaning to my life and those around me...family, friends, and associates.

Anne wrote: "This isn't about me feeling like I am the only capable person for the jobs. This is about me feeling like I can't stand up for myself...".

My problem is just the opposite; I feel that I'm the only person capable of handling the jobs I've been given, which is to stand up for others, and if I don't do that, they won't be able to stand at all. Worse, the two most pressing needs are mutually exclusive, forcing the sacrifice of one or the other, and I'm unwilling to do that, which sacrifices me and both. Sux.

I'm just now catching up on some blogs. I totally identify with this, no doubt. As I continue to think and pray about what I TRULY feel called to do in life, I find it a little easier to say yes things that line up with that overall mission, and 'no' to things that I COULD do, but aren't really my mission in life. My podcast, A Better View, did discuss this very thing a few weeks ago in our 5th podcast. I would encourage you to listen to it - if for no other reason than to hear 3 other women that struggle with the exact same thing.