Everything Under the Son

Not a day passes that I don't think of my sweet Carson. Lately, though, it seems my heart and mind have been more pre-occupied with thoughts of him. I have read of several families lately who have lost their children, and it is a pain I am so familiar with. Each time I hear of another who is enduring the nightmare of losing their child, I am vividly transported back to those days in May of 2005, when I was suddenly thrust into that same place of grief and anger and fear. I remember with tears the last time I felt him moving inside of me...sweet, sweet memories I will forever cherish as my own. Below the surface of everyday life, there is this current of grief and hope, all rolled into one. Some days I am more focused on the hope, while other days are spent continuing to work through the grief of such a life-altering loss.

I think another reason that this grief has been so up-front in my mind and heart is beacuse I am seeing more clearly how this has affected my relationship with the Lord. During my quiet times, as I seek to draw nearer to Him, I have discovered that I am still holding back. For some time, this has been a sub-concious thing, but now I realize what I have been doing. I find hope in knowing that I will once again see my son. I find joy knowing he is in Heaven...HOME. And then there are the uglies. I have come to realize that I am having to learn to trust God in a new way now. As I seek to trust Him with the little things of today, everyday, I know that I am holding back because of fear. Losing Carson broke my heart, and while I know that God didn't "do it to me", I also believe that He could have performed a miracle and healed Carson and I could have brought him home with me. But He didn't. God, in His infinite wisdom, chose not to heal Carson's earthly body, but chose rather to call him home. That is so very hard for this momma.

I believe that God NEVER left my side. I believe He was right there in the room with me as I labored and then delivered Carson. I believe he walked the halls and held me close as I left the hospital empty-handed, and I believe that He has walked this road of grief with me each and every step of the way. I know this is true, and I feel His presence as I continue on this journey.

I am trying to work through this with the Lord's help. I am trying to surrender those pieces of my heart that I have kept from Him because I was afraid of the pain and being hurt again. I know that Lord is on my side, and that I need only trust in Him and He will work it out in my heart. I simply must walk in faith that His ways are higher than my ways. I must continue to press into Him, and He will heal my lack of trust, my lack of faith.

Through this journey of loss, I have definitely developed a faith much stronger than before. I have seen my relationship with the Father grow, and for that I am so thankful. I won't ever give up...I will always seek to draw near to my Heavely Father. I will continue to lay my burdens at His feet, and to rest in the shelter of the Almighty. I will live with faith, and hope in Heaven for eternity. And each day, I will conciously give over those last pieces of my heart that I have been holding back...I will trust You Father!

I heard an excellent sermon at church this morning and it really has me thinking about some things. When I look in the mirror, who am I? Tough question...tough answer. You see, I put limitations on myself (who I am and why I am here) because of what I see when I look in the mirror. I see a scraggly, overweight, crazy-haired housewife, who has too many freckles and could really use a makeover, complete with a tan! It isn't pretty. I see someone who is afraid to step out because she is afraid of rejection. I see someone who doesn't value herself much because she KNOWS all of her failures. I see all of the things I am NOT.

The problem is, I am looking in the mirror and seeing myself through my own eyes, when what I need to do is pull out my God-glasses and take a look. I know that if I did, I would see things quite differently. I need to believe that He put me in this skin for a reason, and then I need to chase the reason and fulfill His goals for me. I need to look into that mirror and see all of the things that I AM! How exciting that would be!

So what is my purpose? Why do I have this skin? I like to think that my dreams align with God's purpose for me. I like to think that someday, somehow, my dream of singing and speaking will come true. Singing praises to Him, and speaking His grace and hope to others...these are my dreams. I have NO IDEA how to get started. I have NO IDEA where to go to start the journey. But I do believe that God has made me for such things as this...praising Him in song, and speaking of the hope He provides me.

This skin, these dreams...all provided by my Heavenly Father. I am the daughter of the King! How cool is that! So I have a new prayer...that I can wear my God-glasses and begin to see myself the way God sees me. I can't begin to imagine the joy that I will find when I see myself, and OTHERS through the eyes of God.

As I pray for my very own pair of God-glasses, I will pray that He will give you all a pair too. I will pray that He will give us the ability to see what we ARE instead of what we are not.

Who am I? Daughter of the King.
Why am I here? To follow His call

What about you?

**Edited**

Apparently I am not the only one thinking about the "big stuff" we trust God with, and the "little stuff". Just this morning I read this post from Angie, and she put it into words so much more eloquently than I did. Check it out here...you will be glad you did!



So I have been thinking about trust lately. Trusting other people, trusting friends...trusting God. Sometimes, being on this earth and having to live in this world just stinks. Sorry, but it's true. We think we can trust those around us. We have even taken precautions, guarding our hearts, and slowly given out our trust only to those we really think we can. And then it happens...that trust is broken. And we walk away wondering if we can ever trust someone again. We walk away wounded; hurt. It happens to all of us at some time or another.

And then I was thinking about how we trust different people with different parts of our heart. We trust our spouse with our hearts. We have friends that we trust with pieces of our heart. Some friends, we can share our hopes and dreams with, other friends we trust to share problems and concerns with, and yet other friends that we can share struggles with, and know they will lift us up in prayer. We kind of 'pick-and-choose' so to speak, with whom we will share our trust. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people and it comes back to bite us, and other times, having those trustworthy relationships is counted a blessing in our lives.

And then I was thinking some more about my trust in the Lord. I know that I trust Him with the BIG things...I trust Him when He says I have hope of a future in Heaven. I trust Him completely and take Him at His word when He says I will live forever with Him, for all of eternity. BUT, do I trust Him with my life...my life right now, today? Do I trust Him to provide for my physical needs...food, shelter? Do I trust Him that He will provide for me and my family, and that I should not worry? Do I trust that He forgives me when I do wrong, and that He freely extends His grace to me? Honestly, I think my answer would have to be sometimes. There are times when I think I am living with that trust for TODAY, and there are many times that I am all for believing in the big picture, but I have doubts that He is really walking with me TODAY.

It breaks my heart to think that I don't have that trust for the day. I hate that I doubt His concern of my day-to-day-stay-home-mom-ness. I am seeking it, I am striving to live it, but some days, I just don't get it. I am working on it, and He and I, we are getting there, one step at a time.

What about you? Do you trust for life today? Do you trust for the big picture stuff? I am going to be praying for myself and for you, that we will all find that trust, that we will all feel the security that comes from believing in and worshiping a God who is concerned with us daily...minute by minute. He LONGS to hold that place in our heart...that ultimate place of trust and comfort. He will not let us down, if only we will let Him in!

So as I pray for me and for you, here is my prayer:

"Lord, let us trust You for TODAY, and let us trust You for ETERNITY. Amen."