Everything Under the Son

Today is a whirlwind of emotion. Feelings of happiness and sadness, calmness and fear, joy and anger, all churn within me. I never know which one is going to surface at any given moment...sometimes the tears fall freely, and that is okay.

Although I think about Carson every single day, today my thoughts take me back to the day he was born. I remember the smells in the hospital, I remember the sounds of the machines beeping, I remember the doctor and his genuine care and concern for us. I remember the pain of labor and delivery. I remember the soft touch of Nathaniel's hands as he wiped the tears that fell from my eyes, and I remember his voice assuring me he was right there, not leaving my side. I remember so much, and I hope I never forget it.

As I look at pictures of Carson, I feel my arms aching to hold him. I look at his little face and see the resemblances he has with both Natalie and Levi. I can't help but dream a little too...thinking about what our family would be like with him here.

I am so thankful to God for the time I had with Carson. Those months I carried him in my belly, feeling him kick and move, were such a blessing. I can even give thanks for the mornings of nausea and sickness, because that meant he was alive and well inside of me. I am thankful that we were able to conceive my precious boy, and that we had him for as long as we did. I know I am forever changed by that tiny baby. God is still at work in me.

Most days, I am able to find peace, knowing that my baby boy is with Jesus. That he is living the eternal life that I long to live. He celebrates each day in Heaven, singing with the angels. I would be lying though, if I didn't say that sometimes the anger rears it's ugly head. I still have to fight off Satan as he works to turn me against my God. Satan wants me to wallow in anger and turn my back on God because He has my son. But I fight. I fight knowing that Carson is in the absolute best place ever. And I fight knowing that someday I will be there too, holding my baby, kissing my son, and singing to him with the angels!

In a little while, we will uphold the Jones Family Tradition of releasing balloons to Carson. Natalie and Levi will decorate the balloons with words and pictures of love, and we will send them into the sky. It seems so simple, yet it fills my heart in a way I cannot put into words. I am able to celebrate my son! Though sometimes it seems like the world has forgotten him, I will NEVER forget him. I will never forget Carson Graham Jones, or the impact he had on the world...my world.

So today, "Happy Birthday my Carson! My heart swells with gratitude for your precious life. I am so thankful to God for allowing me the joy of being your mommy, and carrying you inside of me. I carried you in my belly for a time, but I carry you in my heart forever! Lots of hugs and kisses from me to you, my son. Until we are together again, Mommy"

I just read this post and am heartbroken as I think about seeing you at school on the 19th and not knowing what a hard day it was for you. Know that I am encouraged by your faithfulness and your honesty in times of struggle and pain. . .and in joy. Somehow God is faithful in the midst of all of it. Blessings.