Everything Under the Son

Not a day passes that I don't think of my sweet Carson. Lately, though, it seems my heart and mind have been more pre-occupied with thoughts of him. I have read of several families lately who have lost their children, and it is a pain I am so familiar with. Each time I hear of another who is enduring the nightmare of losing their child, I am vividly transported back to those days in May of 2005, when I was suddenly thrust into that same place of grief and anger and fear. I remember with tears the last time I felt him moving inside of me...sweet, sweet memories I will forever cherish as my own. Below the surface of everyday life, there is this current of grief and hope, all rolled into one. Some days I am more focused on the hope, while other days are spent continuing to work through the grief of such a life-altering loss.

I think another reason that this grief has been so up-front in my mind and heart is beacuse I am seeing more clearly how this has affected my relationship with the Lord. During my quiet times, as I seek to draw nearer to Him, I have discovered that I am still holding back. For some time, this has been a sub-concious thing, but now I realize what I have been doing. I find hope in knowing that I will once again see my son. I find joy knowing he is in Heaven...HOME. And then there are the uglies. I have come to realize that I am having to learn to trust God in a new way now. As I seek to trust Him with the little things of today, everyday, I know that I am holding back because of fear. Losing Carson broke my heart, and while I know that God didn't "do it to me", I also believe that He could have performed a miracle and healed Carson and I could have brought him home with me. But He didn't. God, in His infinite wisdom, chose not to heal Carson's earthly body, but chose rather to call him home. That is so very hard for this momma.

I believe that God NEVER left my side. I believe He was right there in the room with me as I labored and then delivered Carson. I believe he walked the halls and held me close as I left the hospital empty-handed, and I believe that He has walked this road of grief with me each and every step of the way. I know this is true, and I feel His presence as I continue on this journey.

I am trying to work through this with the Lord's help. I am trying to surrender those pieces of my heart that I have kept from Him because I was afraid of the pain and being hurt again. I know that Lord is on my side, and that I need only trust in Him and He will work it out in my heart. I simply must walk in faith that His ways are higher than my ways. I must continue to press into Him, and He will heal my lack of trust, my lack of faith.

Through this journey of loss, I have definitely developed a faith much stronger than before. I have seen my relationship with the Father grow, and for that I am so thankful. I won't ever give up...I will always seek to draw near to my Heavely Father. I will continue to lay my burdens at His feet, and to rest in the shelter of the Almighty. I will live with faith, and hope in Heaven for eternity. And each day, I will conciously give over those last pieces of my heart that I have been holding back...I will trust You Father!

Embracing you, sweet little sister.

Oh, Anne. Man, do your words inspire me. I've been struggling too, different from losing a child...but still some of the same questions. Then at worship tonight, they sang, "Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, "It is well, It is well with my soul." I so wish I could hold your hand and us say in unison and truly mean it. "It is well with my soul."