Everything Under the Son

I've been thinking a lot about Carson lately. Not a day, not a second goes by that I don't long for the time that I will hold that sweet boy again. But lately, it has been more. I have thought of the day the doctor told me that Carson had died. I remember so vividly everything about that moment. The look on Nathaniel's face, the pain that was in my heart, and more...so much more.

I have been thinking about the week of decisions we made; inducing labor and spending 4 long days as my body, not yet ready to deliver a baby, worked to ready itself for birth. I remember having to make lots of choices...really hard choices.

The person I am now, on the other side of those decisions, looks back and ponders what I could have done, maybe should have done differently. But as Nathaniel holds me and wipes my tears, he reminds me that I did the very best I could do, I gave the very best I had. I didn't do anything wrong, and I made the right choices. And that looking back and second-guessing that is unfair because I am no longer who I was then...I am forever changed. And he reminds me that my son knew how very much he was loved...how much we wanted him, even before we new him, and how much we can't wait to see him again, to hold him and be with him forever in Heaven.

Second guessing is rarely productive. You are right...we are different people. Much of our spiritual journey is "doing the best we can" while knowing that God will carry us thru. By the way, even when we do things wrong it is better to let the past go...God has.

Remember the good things from before. Carson was- and is- loved. And he lives forever and someday we will all be with him.

steve

That must have been and still be so extremely difficult. There was definitely nothing you could have done. It's so hard to understand sometimes, especially when you know that Carson would have had a wonderful home and there are so many kids out there that don't.

I've thought a lot about Carson -- and Hope -- this week, too. Because no one loved playing with little kids like my Poppa Max. And now he's around the throne with Carson and Hope.

You made decisions that no one on this planet is ever prepared to make, nor would anyone (except yourself) second-guess the decisions you made. We do what we can and, by the grace of God, wake up to live another day and continue to praise Him through our pain and in spite of our pain. You've done all of that, and oh-so-well. Carson's little bitty life inside your tummy allowed God's glory to be proclaimed and evident to so many people. Thank you for sharing God's story through you, Nathaniel and Carson.

Thank you for once again opening up your heart and sharing your sweet thoughts and remarkable life with us! You are an amazing Christian friend, wife, and mother! Love you:)